Teaching our kids to be proactive.

School is back in session in many places and along with a post I recently saw, it has me thinking about our kids and their emotional states.

I parent with a lens of responsibility - I don't just parent with the present moment in mind but also with the kids habits and futures in mind, the consequences of behaviors but most importantly - to help them manage - so they have less stress in their lives.  Things I have learned the hard way over time.   Some stress is preventable completely based on our choices!  Many divorced parents see and parent through a lens of love, and in my own experience, the bio parents don't consider the consequences enough to engage or enforce their kids to do things in a timely manner.  What do I mean?  A good example is homework and grade cards.  If the bio parents don't routinely ask what the child has going on homework wise until they see their child's bad grades or even zeros on the grade card?  This is a reactive measure versus a proactive measure and in my opinion, not only fails the child in the moment, but their future as well.   It creates unnecessary stress and chaos for the children.  Some parents argue that the kids have to learn on their own.  I agree with that for the most part but we have to teach the kids at a young age how to do these tasks.  I didn't always agree on how much homework the children had but I didn't see it as damaging to them or too difficult to do.  What I did see was the kids needed to develop good skills to do their homework effectively and timely so they were prepared for class.

Being proactive encourages and enforces the child to learn healthy habits of staying current and being responsible and accountable at school, in the home, or wherever they may be.  Everyone knows that being organized helps in positive ways.  It will be beneficial when the kids are finished with high school and move on if they chose to attend college.  If they choose to go straight into the workforce, the prep skills from their childhood will become useful as their prepare their resume or their job interview.  The point is teaching these skills do not take away from your child's childhood - you teach them appropriate skills at their age level and each stage of their development.  Picking up their toys when they are toddlers.  Learning to pick weather appropriate clothing when they start attending school.   Learning can be fun.  How?  YOU!  Parents set the tone on nearly every aspect of their child's perspectives.  Teaching them while having fun is a great way to bond and enjoy time together all while unbeknownst to them, preparing them for daily life as they grow.

Love,

The Straight Up Stepmom

The love of another mother looks beautiful.

A recent post on Facebook had me cheering, crying, celebrating, and thinking.

This is the picture and post.  Grab a tissue or box and read on:

"I don’t know who this lady is but if you know her tell her she’s awesome. Isaiah walked up to this lady at our last home game two weeks ago. He sat on her lap and they were talking like they knew each other. It lasted no more than 20 mins. However, she left right after halftime to meet up with her little girl. Fast forward to tonight...not long after we sat down at the game Isaiah spotted her. She waved at him and he made his way up to her. I thought their interaction would be the same as last time but I was wrong. Isaiah walked right up to her smiling, crawled in her lap and laid his head down on her shoulder. She welcomed him with open arms. This lady patted and rocked Isaiah to sleep like he had given birth to him. It was the sweetest!! We asked her if she wanted us to get him but she kept telling us she (and he) was fine!! Isaiah and this lady has NEVER met before other than those 20 mins at a game 2 weeks ago. I told her tonight that I am so sorry and I don’t know why he keeps bothering her. She replied he’s no bother and to not say that again. She said he was her new friend. She then went on to say she only has one child who is 15 and moments like this are priceless!!! With all of the racial tension that’s going on I’m glad to see the pictures like these because it goes to show color don’t matter to a lot of people. It really don’t!! Arguing over stuff as such makes us miss the simple pleasures in life. I hate I didn’t get her name but I will next game because I’m sure Isaiah will make his way back to her. I love her and don’t know her! #LoveTriumphs #IsaiahsNewFriend#Blessherheart #LowndesVikings #Footballgame
Update: We found out who she is. Her name is Mrs. Angela. She’s such a sweet lady y’all! It’s awesome how God connects people together for whatever reason!!
This is her post after finding out I posted this picture for her:
“To God be all praise, glory, and honor! I have been overwhelmed with emotions today as I have read the post Star Balloon-Bradley shared. I am humbled by the kind words every one has spoken. Isaiah is absolutely adorable! I pray people will Jesus in all this & know His love is beyond measure & that is how I want to love & life my life. I’m not worthy but He sure is!” -Angela"
2nd Update: Thank you for you kind words! I’m so glad this picture is bringing a lot of people joy. I also wanted to mention that I am the auntie and his mom is Thameka S. Miller. Thank you again! May the love continue to spread! 
Update: We found out who she is. Her name is Mrs. Angela. She’s such a sweet lady y’all! It’s awesome how God connects people together for whatever reason!! 
This is her post after finding out I posted this picture for her: “To God be all praise, glory, and honor! I have been overwhelmed with emotions today as I have read the post Star Balloon-Bradley shared. I am humbled by the kind words every one has spoken. Isaiah is absolutely adorable! I pray people will Jesus in all this & know His love is beyond measure & that is how I want to love & life my life. I’m not worthy but He sure is!” -Angela"2nd Update: Thank you for you kind words! I’m so glad this picture is bringing a lot of people joy. I also wanted to mention that I am the auntie and his mom is Thameka S. Miller. Thank you again! May the love continue to spread!
Update: We found out who she is. Her name is Mrs. Angela. She’s such a sweet lady y’all! It’s awesome how God connects people together for whatever reason!! ❤️This is her post after finding out I posted this picture for her: “To God be all praise, glory, and honor! I have been overwhelmed with emotions today as I have read the post Star Balloon-Bradley shared. I am humbled by the kind words every one has spoken. Isaiah is absolutely adorable! I pray people will Jesus in all this & know His love is beyond measure & that is how I want to love & life my life. I’m not worthy but He sure is!” -Angela                                        2nd Update: Thank you for you kind words! I’m so glad this picture is bringing a lot of people joy. I also wanted to mention that I am the auntie and his mom is Thameka S. Miller. Thank you again! May the love continue to spread! 

Isn't this just beautiful?  Incredibly powerful.  The gift of love to a child from another.  What if this had been his stepmom?  Would it have been so celebrated? Shared 182,000 times?   Sadly with the stigma and societal view of stepmoms, I highly doubt it.  There are countless amazing, selflesss, humble moms out there who are doing a fantastic job co-parenting with the stepmom, celebrating the gifts she gives to their children - yes, you read that right - their children.  It doesn't matter if she's had her own children or not - it doesn't require DNA or birthing your own to become a mother.  

Recently I thought of the many blessings my stepchildren were deprived of because of the lack civility much of their time growing up among their parents/stepparents.  They were robbed of the overflowing joy and peace because of pride and jealousy, insecurities and guilt.  Those kids certainly didn't ask for divorce or the vitriol emotions that followed the divorce.  Neither does a stepmom when she meets and eventually marries her husband.   No one is forcing anyone to be friends but at least be civil and show your children that respect, communication and cooperation makes for great co-parenting relationships and who knows....a friendship could develop over time.  

Just a few things to think about.  

Love,

The Straight Up Stepmom.  

Another Birthday....

I'll admit.  It hurts. 

I just hit a major *milestone* birthday.  I got private, simple "happy birthdays" via text messages from my steps. 

Every year, my step kids post amazing accolades to their mom all over various social media platforms on her birthday.   She's their best friend.... does so much for them.... yada yada yada blah blah blah.

My husband tried to "compensate" but he's part of, if not the biggest, problem. He always tells me I'm the problem.  I'm too hard on them, quick to judge, hold a grudge, I'm mean, on and on and on.   But he sets the tone.  He won't back me up, he won't see things from my perspective.

None of my husband's family acknowledged it either, except my mother in law.  Of course his family (sisters, brother) are "friends" with his ex.  They had a "re-unification" a few years back and since then I've had to cut them out from my life.

My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday. 
Seriously!?  LISTEN TO ME. HEAR ME.
I've told him over and over what I wanted.  Talk with me about what's on my heart.  I'm not imagining this stuff.  Read Stepmonster.  Read The StepMoms Club.   He has refused.   He says he wants me to me happy.   The best gift he could give me and make me happy is to stop parenting from the perspective of a hurt, child of divorce and as a guilt-ridden parent.

Until then I'll have to create my own party for one. 

She opened her mouth and her mother came out.

Yesterday I contacted one of my stepkids regarding something I needed to insure had been done.  Historically I haven't had to do this with said child but lately she hasn't been very organized or upfront and honest about a few things.

Her response was that I was being rude.  I wasn't being rude.  It was a legitimate request for an important matter.  Her response was uncharacteristic for her but all too familiar for me.  Her mother came out. 

Over the years we've had a number of things come up that have required a discussion with their mom.  Serious issues.  I'll not list any here but we tried to be realistic, compassionate and transparent.  My husband has tried to handle things fairly with BM. 

Unfortunately, his ex would react with defensiveness and deflection.  Her go to response was "your such a terrible dad" or something about me, the stepmom.

I'm not a mental health professional but I'm a blended life veteran.  I think much of the moms behavior was based on feelings of guilt and inadequacy.  She knew what she was doing was wrong but did it anyway.  She has a conscience though - she knows right from wrong.  The choices would eat at her, consuming and causing her to be moody and defensive.  She was in a constant state of unrest.  She would lash out and blame the easiest target:  Me.
Over time that has gotten old.  Very old.  But worse now is the kids, now all teens, have learned to repeat.

Dad knows what they are doing is wrong but like many Dads of divorce do, he overlooks it - which, I feel, in itself is wrong.  As parents I feel it is our responsibility to call out our kids when necessary or if they haven't been very reliable, require proof when asked. 

Once again no one wins in this situation.  I'm working on talking to my child after she calms down and is more rationale.  I'll discuss with her the very things I've said here.  Hopefully we'll work things out. 

Celebrate these Women on Mother's Day: StepMoms

Recently I saw a wonderful post to a friend of mine who, along with her husband, has fostered several children and now are the (adoptive) parents to these young children.  They are wonderful people who are grounded but this post described them as "the best parents" because they chose their children versus an biological child.

With Mother's Day around the corner, this has me thinking about many of my other friends who chose to love children they share no biological relation with.   StepMoms.  BonusMoms. MyOtherMothers.  However you prefer to call them - the terms all share the word "Mom" in the title.

Even if both biological parents are in the picture and involved, having a step-parent that gives love and support to your children is a person to celebrate.   The stepmom and biomom don't always need to see eye to eye or even be friends, although it does really make life so much sweeter and shows your children such a great example of co-parenting and relationships.

Many stepmoms love their step-children.  No step-parent goes into a marriage investing their time, energy, emotional, mental and financial well-being on the child(ren) so they can be ultimately rejected. They don't go into their marriage thinking:  "I'm going to replace the bioDad or bioMom". They don't go into their commitment thinking, "Yay!  I get to raise kids of whom I have no say but greatly affect me everyday" - and trust me, that can be immense depending on how the biological parents handled the divorce and their post divorce behavior.  Even greater is how the other biological parent regards the step-parent.

It's not easy to have a new person come into your child's life and not feel a number of emotions. Step-parents experience a number of emotions as well.  "Will they like me?  Will they accept me? What do I do if they don't?  Will we do things together?"  Trust me, being rejected or unaccepted is so hard - even as an adult.  But a keen, secure and (most likely) frazzled mother will encourage and support a loving relationship with the stepmom.

I recall one time going to a parent-teacher meeting with my husband.  The kids' Dad and I set up the meeting to determine where our child was and what they were struggling with and to also inform the teacher of a few things we thought they needed to know.  We were custodial at the time. What happened during the meeting?  This teacher appeared surprised that I was involved at all.  She informed us that she had a stepson and had "nothing to do with such matters".  

Many in the community praise teachers for their involvement with our children. I've heard teachers complain that parents aren't taking a more active and proactive role with the child's homework or education.  So imagine my surprise when she wasn't more supportive in my efforts!  Considering she knew we were custodial, my husband was gone a great deal due to his job, so the responsibility fell greatly on my shoulders.  I needed all the support and help I could get (an example of why we where there to begin with).

Everyday, across our country, step-parents go above and beyond their "duties" for their step-kids. Why do they do it?  Some may say to take the other parents place or make the other parent look bad.  Is that why teachers teach our children?  To make us look bad?  Ok, in the area of math I admit, I think that point is made.   Of course we don't go into with that perspective. We go into the same reasons women have children, why teachers teach.  We love having a family.  We love being motherly.  We love teaching. We love guiding.  We just love.

Divorce or failed relationships are hard enough. Divorce isn't what devastates the kids.  What is crippling them psychologically and robbing them of their self-confidence is the chaos after the divorce.  The battles to be the favored parent via manipulation or indulgence.  The jealousy, tension, chaos, rage and arguments when one or both bio-parents remarry is detrimental to their mental health and well-being.   When a parent becomes manipulative or deceptive with the other parent.

So, if you know a step-mom, even if she doesn't have her "own" children, give her a high five, a hug and wish her a Happy Mother's Day.  If you are a bio-mom and find yourself at odds with the step-mom, and you want to do what is best for your children?   Leave the messy adult stuff with the adults.  Take a step forward with an olive branch.  Celebrate the mothering she has done for your children: homework, doc visits, dentist visits, holding their hands, encouraging them to achieve success; for being the supportive spouse to your ex.  If you have a step-mom who genuinely loves your children, celebrate her.   There's no better gift you can give a step-mom on Mother's Day - kindness costs nothing.

Happy Mother's Day,

The StraightUp Stepmom