She opened her mouth and her mother came out.

Yesterday I contacted one of my stepkids regarding something I needed to insure had been done.  Historically I haven't had to do this with said child but lately she hasn't been very organized or upfront and honest about a few things.

Her response was that I was being rude.  I wasn't being rude.  It was a legitimate request for an important matter.  Her response was uncharacteristic for her but all too familiar for me.  Her mother came out. 

Over the years we've had a number of things come up that have required a discussion with their mom.  Serious issues.  I'll not list any here but we tried to be realistic, compassionate and transparent.  My husband has tried to handle things fairly with BM. 

Unfortunately, his ex would react with defensiveness and deflection.  Her go to response was "your such a terrible dad" or something about me, the stepmom.

I'm not a mental health professional but I'm a blended life veteran.  I think much of the moms behavior was based on feelings of guilt and inadequacy.  She knew what she was doing was wrong but did it anyway.  She has a conscience though - she knows right from wrong.  The choices would eat at her, consuming and causing her to be moody and defensive.  She was in a constant state of unrest.  She would lash out and blame the easiest target:  Me.
Over time that has gotten old.  Very old.  But worse now is the kids, now all teens, have learned to repeat.

Dad knows what they are doing is wrong but like many Dads of divorce do, he overlooks it - which, I feel, in itself is wrong.  As parents I feel it is our responsibility to call out our kids when necessary or if they haven't been very reliable, require proof when asked. 

Once again no one wins in this situation.  I'm working on talking to my child after she calms down and is more rationale.  I'll discuss with her the very things I've said here.  Hopefully we'll work things out. 

Celebrate these Women on Mother's Day: StepMoms

Recently I saw a wonderful post to a friend of mine who, along with her husband, has fostered several children and now are the (adoptive) parents to these young children.  They are wonderful people who are grounded but this post described them as "the best parents" because they chose their children versus an biological child.

With Mother's Day around the corner, this has me thinking about many of my other friends who chose to love children they share no biological relation with.   StepMoms.  BonusMoms. MyOtherMothers.  However you prefer to call them - the terms all share the word "Mom" in the title.

Even if both biological parents are in the picture and involved, having a step-parent that gives love and support to your children is a person to celebrate.   The stepmom and biomom don't always need to see eye to eye or even be friends, although it does really make life so much sweeter and shows your children such a great example of co-parenting and relationships.

Many stepmoms love their step-children.  No step-parent goes into a marriage investing their time, energy, emotional, mental and financial well-being on the child(ren) so they can be ultimately rejected. They don't go into their marriage thinking:  "I'm going to replace the bioDad or bioMom". They don't go into their commitment thinking, "Yay!  I get to raise kids of whom I have no say but greatly affect me everyday" - and trust me, that can be immense depending on how the biological parents handled the divorce and their post divorce behavior.  Even greater is how the other biological parent regards the step-parent.

It's not easy to have a new person come into your child's life and not feel a number of emotions. Step-parents experience a number of emotions as well.  "Will they like me?  Will they accept me? What do I do if they don't?  Will we do things together?"  Trust me, being rejected or unaccepted is so hard - even as an adult.  But a keen, secure and (most likely) frazzled mother will encourage and support a loving relationship with the stepmom.

I recall one time going to a parent-teacher meeting with my husband.  The kids' Dad and I set up the meeting to determine where our child was and what they were struggling with and to also inform the teacher of a few things we thought they needed to know.  We were custodial at the time. What happened during the meeting?  This teacher appeared surprised that I was involved at all.  She informed us that she had a stepson and had "nothing to do with such matters".  

Many in the community praise teachers for their involvement with our children. I've heard teachers complain that parents aren't taking a more active and proactive role with the child's homework or education.  So imagine my surprise when she wasn't more supportive in my efforts!  Considering she knew we were custodial, my husband was gone a great deal due to his job, so the responsibility fell greatly on my shoulders.  I needed all the support and help I could get (an example of why we where there to begin with).

Everyday, across our country, step-parents go above and beyond their "duties" for their step-kids. Why do they do it?  Some may say to take the other parents place or make the other parent look bad.  Is that why teachers teach our children?  To make us look bad?  Ok, in the area of math I admit, I think that point is made.   Of course we don't go into with that perspective. We go into the same reasons women have children, why teachers teach.  We love having a family.  We love being motherly.  We love teaching. We love guiding.  We just love.

Divorce or failed relationships are hard enough. Divorce isn't what devastates the kids.  What is crippling them psychologically and robbing them of their self-confidence is the chaos after the divorce.  The battles to be the favored parent via manipulation or indulgence.  The jealousy, tension, chaos, rage and arguments when one or both bio-parents remarry is detrimental to their mental health and well-being.   When a parent becomes manipulative or deceptive with the other parent.

So, if you know a step-mom, even if she doesn't have her "own" children, give her a high five, a hug and wish her a Happy Mother's Day.  If you are a bio-mom and find yourself at odds with the step-mom, and you want to do what is best for your children?   Leave the messy adult stuff with the adults.  Take a step forward with an olive branch.  Celebrate the mothering she has done for your children: homework, doc visits, dentist visits, holding their hands, encouraging them to achieve success; for being the supportive spouse to your ex.  If you have a step-mom who genuinely loves your children, celebrate her.   There's no better gift you can give a step-mom on Mother's Day - kindness costs nothing.

Happy Mother's Day,

The StraightUp Stepmom